To whom much is given, much is tested

"The sound of your voice reverberates through my ears, your taste lingers in my mouth and your smell wavers in my nose. And this recurring dream plays in my head all that could have been. This sleepless daze keeps me half alive, half aware of the things that never were. Like a broken record it plays over again. Like a nightmare it leaves me scared. And, you and I are the broken pieces left behind of our own destruction. Crushed beneath our expectations is the love we once shared. Not only heart broken but mind blown by the damage we've done. Not only pain but completely numb, unable to register the change."

I assumed coming to college would be different from high school, boy was I wrong. Its actuali more like middle school: following behind half sincere friends who reali didnt realize they were hurting me. Somethings wrong with me..I'm not co-dependent and I don't mind being alone but for whatever reason I let them carry me around like a favorite rag doll or something.

 

My entire life I never measured up, I never met anyones standards including my own and for the time ever this summer I felt comfortable in a skirt and shorts and I wasn't self conscious at all. Now Im hearing from people who say thy're my friends that 'Im so pretty but.." and "I'd look nice if.." and "You should get contacts.." Im "Debbie Downer" and I bring down the group. Whats funny is I'm fine on my own its them who wants to take me everywhere they go..I didnt hve frnds before and I lived so leaving these ones behind won't make too much of a difference

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."

 

                                                                   - Marianne Williamson

I need a loan. Not only do I need a loan, I need a co-signer. I am a 18 year old female college student who has never had a job, what adult with good credit would be willing to co-sign a loan for me?? Almost none. I am in fact soon to be employed thanks to federal work study but that doesn't make much of a difference to my family. I asked people for money to buy books and sure enough EVERYONE is BROKE which I find hard to believe..But like Dori said when she was lost "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..what do you do?? You swim, swim, swim.."

But in other news I am contemplating writing and drawing again. And I would love to join something and meet people, but I have to get the whole working and loan thing straightened out first. I am going to upload all drawings and stories to this blog no matter how crappy I may think they are..!

I've now gone away to college. Its a strange experience over all. The first few days of class I cried because I made no friends and I'm pretty sure my room mates don't like me but were being polite since I had no friends here. Since then Ive made two friends who I feel comfortable around. But, that didn't reali solve all my problems because Im poor and I can't reali afford books, so now im in class and i have none of my required books which is always good...(please note the sarcasm). Oh and my financial aid covers all but $961.20 so theres that too. I dont know what Im doin here..And i still havent managed to go on a real date yet.

Im graduating on the 18th and looking back there were some many things I wanted to do in high school that I never got around to doing. I reali want this summer to be different, like truly different. I wana make new friends and visit new places and take pictures. So I've decided that its time I've structured my life and make a list of the things I want to do this summer and check them off if I do them and if not, then I can see how much of a failure I reali am

 

Summer 2010 To Do List:

 

1) Go to a beach

2) Make a friend

3) GET A JOB!!

4) Leave the state/ Visit New York

5) Love someone

6) Spend the weekend out

7) Get a tattoo

8) Get a piercing

9) Go to a concert

10) Feel accomplished

 

Not ground breaking I know but these things are what i believe to be the makings of a great summer.

 

Watched part of the Oscars the other night and there was one part that really intrigued me. The tribute to John Hughes. I didn't even know he died, or maybe I did and just didn't register to me what that meant. I'm not an active person and most of my social life is limited to facebook but watching his movies made me feel, honestly. better about myself. Not because my life was better than the characters that were portrayed but because they were in fact very similar. I have this policy where I just wait and see what happens most times, like when I was 9 and got my period for the first time but I had no clue what it was. I just wadded up some tissue and waited to see if it would stop. Two days later my grandmother found out gave me some pads and "the talk". I hated it. But it made me feel better to know I wasnt a freak of nature. That's kind of what John's movies make me feel like, like I'm not the only lonely invisible person out there. His movies always had a way of putting things into perspective for me. Its not the kind of movie where the center point is the hero always wins and the girl gets the guy, its a message that life doesn't end because your family forgets your birthday (which happens a lot to me also) or that being unprepared and scared is normal. John Hughes movies to me are the very epitome of the teenage existence.

I hate prom. I want to to go. I want to enjoy myself, but there is entirely to much stress on it. The right date, the right dress, the right car. I want the perfect thing, a resemblance to the scene from the movie A Cinderella Story but the chances of that happening are slim to none. I don't want to get my hopes up so I'm going alone and screw renting a car, I can't even drive. Last night I had a desperate moment when I called my friend Brian who declined which is fine, its not like I can make him or that I really wanted him to.

I wonder what college will be like and if I will finally for once in my life let go of inhibition and experience something, anything at this point. I was watching The Secret of The American Teenager and I noticed two things (only one is relevant to what I was just saying), one: There is nothing secret about these teenagers lives, there parents know, their neighbors know, complete strangers know. And two, I'm like Grace. Stuck in this wholesome image and lifestyle because we think we have to be. For Grace it was her religion and her parents expectation of her. For me its way more, its my fear of getting stuck or that having sex is like losing some great competition or something. The problem with me is I always plan for tomorrow, but I never enjoy today. Times like these I wish I had a friend like Ferris Bueller.

It snowed for a bit last night, I honestly wanted to come to school despite the fact that my ovaries are turning against me. For the rest of the year instead of having lunch i get gym....ya me! And im now in the process of stuffing my face with gummy bears while typing up someones senior project in order to make some cash. The things we do for: money, happiness, love....etc

The glare of the sun turns the iris of his eyes a golden brown,
his smile melts my harden core into a puddle of want.
The sound of his laugh incites a riot of giggles in me.
I pause, I think, I don't react.
For twenty seconds what seemed like destiny, gave
me what I believe to be uninhibited love, only to be crushed
by the harshness of the real world.
I want you,
You need me.
I wish you'd give me a chance.

ok 3 things:

I THINK: True love isn't rare. Whats rare is the maturity, respect and perseverance to maintain it, the courage to adequately pursue it.

 I BELIEVE: You know its love when holding hands is being intimate, when you can stay on the phone for hours not saying anything but its not awkward, when a kiss on your forehead makes your insides warm, when watching him smile makes you happy, and especially when he pisses you off but you still want him to hold you. Infatuation wears down, lust fades but love is what keeps you warm at night, drives you crazy and causes you pain but you wouldn't trade it for anything!

RANDOM THOUGHT: I hate how you suddenly have to hang up when the games on. Or how you comment on other girls when I'm around. And how you refuse to take me serious when I pout. Cant stand how u push me away when your sad. Or the way u ignore my texts til its convenient for you. And most of all i hate that when the 1st time you held me your arms felt like home.

For anyone who has ever read my blog I am just about as lucky with love as a blind cat with 2 lives left walking across the street. I am now going to try and stick with the whole i-don't-need-a-boyfriend campaign because I don't, I just want one and its not often that I get what I want so I'm going to chalk this one. I just want to not feel so alone all the time. I have 6 live brothers and sisters, and I don't really talk with any of them. I want someone that I can confide but I guess for now that this is all i have.

I'm a teenage girl so when I say someone has something against me people lump me in with all the other narcissistic teenage girls but thats not the case. I'm polite, considerate, and respectful of people i disdain but thats the way I was told to behave in public and towards other people. So last Thursday I was kicked off a school bus that I actually belong on because I dont get on it everyday and I didn't have my ID. I would not mind getting of the bus in this situation if I werent the only one she had a problem with. I literally sat down and she told me she was going to call the cops. I go to that high school, she knows that for fact. And its not even that its because I dont belong their because there were five other kids that I know don't belong on that bus, that were just sitting there and she said nothin to any of them. Its not even like I had a weapon or I was threatening anyone but you would've thought so when 4 cop cars pulled for one teenage girl to get of her rightfully designated bus, they can't even arrest me if they wanted to!!! I then flag down another bus driver who agrees to take me to my high school after he drops off the 9th graders at their school, so she radios him and tells him not to take me because she doesn't like me. He took me anyway which was nice of him and I got to homeroom on time. So now I have to legally get my bus change and report the bus driver cause like hell she's getting away with it. And, then today I coudn't get lunch which was the most embarrassing thing ever. For about week before Christmas break I couldn't get lunch because my papers were not processed. So my sister has hers done but of course my aunt forgets to put my name. So my sister got lunch friday and we shared. Today my counselor says as of yesterday I was processed and I should recieve free lunch. The lunch lady tells me that its not true and that I need  $2 to get lunch. Thats not alot of money but I have no money and I'm never gona get any, I never do. The last time i got money someone stole it and I've been flat broke ever since. I wanted to cry simply because school starts a half hour earlier than last year and I dont wake up in time to eat breakfast so I eat a poptart and then wait for lunch. If i dont eat lunch I have to wait til 6 to eat for the first time all day. I just can't take people being rude to me when I've done nothing wrong. Starving half the day isn't fun, do you know how nauseating a bus ride is when you havent eaten??? I dont appreciate having to march back and forth across the lunch room, waiting for 45 minutes for someone to tell me that I cant get lunch. I already feel like the poor kid in class, which makes it really hard to interact with kids who have blackberrys and Iphones so for the lunch lady to point out that its a problem for me to pay $2 for lunch just made me feel like everyone was laughing at me. 

Guess who's back and with a vengeance?? That's right the crazy neurotic girl you all find somewhat interesting. Well I've been accepted colleges: Drexel University, Westminster College, York, Central Penn and Albright. I really want to get into Morgan state University. My essay for Morgan was great, if I do say so myself. The problem with Morgan is from what I can tell the dorms are not what I want them to be and my 2nd choice is Westminster  but that's in Utah and I live in Pennsylvania plus from what I can tell they have a small minority pool, which isnt exactly a problem but it is something to think about. And my third choice is Indiana University of Pennsylvania, they have excellent dorms and really diverse student body and the reason they are third is because my cousin goes there and he's a party boy. The last thing I need is people asking me who my cousin is. I never got to choose my high school and because of that I feel I have wasted four years of my life. I am trying hard not to do the same with college. I want a college where I will be completely comfortable.

And in other news: it may be January but everyone is alreadi thinkin bout prom and the chances of me finding an actuali date who isn't a brother-like-friend is slim to none. Looks like I'm attending this shindig solo.....great more awkward and depressing memories for me to add to the collection.

I haven't updated in awhile cause i'm addicted to my facebook. I have a crush and well thats the only way I can talk to him, I'm not so good with words when I can actually see him. And in other more personal news my senior project is due tomorrow and I need to come up with atleast a half a page more of writing for it even to be eligible. I did finish my admissions essay for Westminter, need to work on my app for morgan state and temple and iup too.....

For the past four years I've been floating under the radar, so low in fact that my teachers would forget i was there and mark me absent. I've made efforts at being social and they usually get me no where. I realized today that I'm not a people person, people just genuinely don't like me. after i let down my guard and talk they all small politely and giggle with me but then they roll their eyes and I'm back at square one. The only time people really actually speak to me is when they're copying my answers or asking fo help, hell sometimes I offer to help and its like they don't hear me. There's this one girl who completely ignores me and we sit next to each other everyday for 2 periods in a row!!! Well fuck them all can't wait til high school is over.

Oh yeah I sent this boy I had a message via face-book on Friday and still no response, I will take this silence as a deafening "no i would not like the chance to get to know you"

I'm kinda nuts and i jus sent an email to a stranger with the following as a message. i just typed and it no longer makes sense to me, go figure.

Anonymous email message:

"......never one of the in crowd, i sit in the back and blend in with the walls around me. i sit and think to myself of the people i see, who they are, who they will be and what it means to me. they are of no importance to me because these people, my peers will never measure up to what i want them to be and vice versa. we all live in our own little worlds where nothin really intergrates but often intersect, where lines are clearly drawn and often never crossed. my world is small and often consists of me. i paint the walls in my world with dreams of  "what ifs" and "somedays" that will never be. i think of my future not as a future but as a fantasy, these fantasies never occur in real time but in my time and in my time everything realistic in the most optimistic way. where tragedies are still tragedies and burdens still burdens but they strengthen bonds and people not tear thme down......."

I typed the subject of the email as "assessment". I have no idea what I was thinking and that is my excuse

Well, well, well in the midst of trying to reply to a message, I deleted everything because I'm such a dingbat (when I was growing up people in my family called me that because I wasn't always fully aware, little did they know I was noticing other more important things.)

I've been reading books by James Patterson and in no particular order mind you, so far I've read: Double Cross, Trial and I'm almost finished with The Quickie. I'm having trouble with my college essay, my teacher believes my personal essay is nothing more than a self proclaimed pity party. Its a personal essay and the truth is all I can offer. I've never been good at sugar coating my life and the only way to sugar coat my personal feelings is lie and then they wouldn't be getting a real sense of me, maybe I can send them a link to this web page, give them a real heavy dose of who I am and my intricate mind......

In other news I'm actually passing everything, even AP Calc. I knew I was going to pass but I was thinking maybe a C but there is a very realistic chance that I could get an A my first semester, this is awesome. I'm trying to sign up for more college courses, maybe enligh lit or something.

I'm going to try writing a story of some sort for the first since 7th grade when a girl lost my masterpiece.


Oh somethin interesting to post:

I live in Darby, Pa which is literally across the street from South West Philadelphia. Well Septa is the public transportation company out here and they have gone on strike. I remember in the 8th grade when the MTA  went on stike in New York. I missed about a week of school. Certain streets had to be shut down and people were forced to car pool or you couldn't get from New Jersey into Manhattan, hell some people even walked across the Brooklyn Bridge. I've seen a few picketers near 69th street (a major terminal in Delaware county where I live). From my understanding only the transportation in Philadelphia has been completely shut down, out here in Delaware county things are still running but they have been slowed drastically some buses didnt even run yesterday morning. I was told that the workers were hoping for more support since they didnt strike during thr Phillies short and disappointing run in the world series but they haven't. Most people use Septa to get o work or class or doctors appointments, when public transportation companies go on strike it is the most selfish thing they can do. And for workers to picket the buses that are still scheduled to run is outrageous  like get over yourself, everything shouldn't be about you. They've been offered a contract better than any other city employees get that guarantees them a 2% pay increase for the next five years.

Maybe i shouldn't put so much into one entry..........
i'll think about that

It's raining and its cold outside.
I just feel  highly offended by everything.
Today is just one of those days where I
feel so low I don't know where up is.

I have decided that remaining single is the best thing for me. I am unable to truly trust anyone and as far as "caring" goes, I get border line obsessive. I am completely skeptical of anything a guy tells me and that's not the best way to handle a relationship if you ask me. So for now I'm going to continue flying solo, not that any of you cared.

In other news you don't want to read about I HATE college applications with a passion. Maybe if I got them in June I could have them done by their due date but right  now it just bites!

While laying on my couch from a new position now that we rearranged the living room, I watched the news. It was the 10 o' clock news, I usually watch the world news at 6:30 because of Charles Gibson but anyways..I was watching the news and a few stories peaked my interest.

First story was a 6 year old boy was suspended from school for 45 days for bringing a knife/spoon/fork that he got from the cub scouts to school. Now during the child's 45 day suspension he is supposed to attend an alternative disciplinary school.  Seriously? the kid gets straight A's and he has never been in trouble before, and on top of that he's a cub scout. He didn't bring it to school with the attempt to harm someone and if his parents trust him with it why not just confiscate it and give it to them?? Someone posted on a facebook what kind of parent allows their child to have that? A parent responsible enough to teach the child how to use it. I had a teacher last year who used to teach at a disciplinary in upstate New York. Now these kids make the delinquents in my school look like cranky kinder gardeners throwing a temper tantrum. Now where they grow up hunting is a way of life, according to my teacher there was a two week period in which the students didn't come at all because it was hunting season. These kids have open access to the guns in their home and they are taught how to kill with them, guess how many were in that school for gun related altercations???? None. These kids were raised with a respect for guns. They were taken out on hunting trips when they were as young as 3 years old so they know its not a toy, they're parents would never accept them playing around with a gun or another humans life.

Story number two involves some elementary school kids learning a song about Barrack Obama and his policies. A group of protesters think that politics should be kept out of the classroom and that the song teaches the kids to idolize the president. That is just about the dumbest thing I've heard all week (so far, its only Wednesday). What happened to current events?? When I was in elementary school I had to do current events every night and I learned a song about Martin Luther King Jr (not exactly the same thing but stick with me here people). The song informs the students of what's going on today politically, they cry and whine about how younger generations are so unaware and how we (younger generation) are choosing to stay blind to these things but a catchy song is just the thing we need to jump start little kids interest in politics and news. I know that doing current events at first was the most tedious thing in the world to me but by the time I reached 3rd grade I would stay up til ten to watch the news because I had an after school program. I liked being informed and feeling smart, I liked being able to discuss my political stance with adults and them telling my parent I was a very bright child. Most adults aren't aware of Barrack Obama's political policies are, shouldn't we be applauding the students and not chastising them and their teachers because we may not agree????

And I'm a bit of a conspiracy theorist so the whole Michael Jackson dying story seems a little fishy to me. Ok so if he is dead and someone did murder him, who and why? Who stood to gain the most from Michael being dead? I don't know what his relations were like with his brothers but I'm pretty sure he was closest to janet and his mother so they wouldn't see to much gain from it: Janet makes her own money and he'd give his mom the world if she asked so I pick Joe. If anyone wanted Michael out of the way most it'd  be him. Joe is no longer the belligerent jerk we all know him to be but the grieving father and I'm sure there is money to be had in there some way some how. His brothers are also suspect, honestly who here can name all of the other Jackson 5 members?? Not me. But, would one of them really kill their brother over jealousy and money, not likely and I'd know, I have a younger sister I'd sell if they'd let me. Then there's also the possibility he's not dead at all and hiding out somewhere. Michaels music and style has always been popular and probably always will be, but he hasn't been. People have songs, and jokes and comedy sketches dedicated to the fall of Michael Jackson. I don't give a shit dead or alive the guy is weird and I'm not going to take back my statements about him because he's dead. I do still believe he had the tendencies of a pedophile and I do believe he must have lost his god damn mind to destroy his face the way he did. I'm not falling for that "lost childhood" bull shit the Jackson's have been trying to push on people for years. Day after day kids in America are forced to grow up at younger ages because  of situations that they are put in, now whether it makes you crazy or pushes you forward is up to you. Michael was going forward for awhile and then something broke in him, but they need to realize that's a reason not an excuse. I can't just go around punching people in the face, later telling them that I came from a broken home and expecting them to be less mad at me, now can I?? They want us as the American Public to rethink the way we treated him because he was the king of pop, but how would they feel about a math teacher touching on their child's goodies? We shouldn't feel guilty about our statements because they hurt his feelings and now he's dead, it was true, Michael for the past two decades has been the epitome of a freak. We (or at least, I) never said we hated Michael but its hard to accept him knowing what he'd become, it wasn't that we didn't understand him, it was that we were finally beginning to understand him personally and not liking what we were seeing.

Usually I complain about how uneventful my life is and blah blah blah well this time its different. This weekend was the weirdest one I've experienced yet mainly because I have a stalker. I'm not joking, this guy was calling my house and texting my sister's phone (both of them) looking for me, he even knocked on my door twice but I never told him where I lived. He likes me waaaaay too much. I don't like him and I've tried several times to let him down gently four the past 3 days but he's not getting it at all. At one point he went nuts and started cursing me out and saying he didn't need me, I just brushed it off cause I wanted him to go away but then he keeps texting me after and I'm like aren't you done? Don't you have better things to do now that your through with me and then he goes right back to creeping me out and saying that he really really likes me and he doesn't want to get hurt and blah blah blah. I am capable of being rude, most of the time its unintentional but I can't manage to out right manage to say "fuck off!!!" because wouldn't I have been leading him on??

In other less creepy news I found my former best friend from elementary school. We used to be inseparable until the summer after 4th grade when I was accepted into an advanced middle school. I cried all the way up until I got in the classroom. Middle school held some of the best memories I have and that was the last time I had any real friends (I have Brian but he doesn't count cause I lose track of hi after about 3 months or so). I'm glad she found me on facebook, now we can text and catch up, I know she's not the same girl I used to know but I feel like I still know her. And, I believe I found a new person of interest. Now I have to find Desiree, she was the most annoying best friend I had and I loved her to bits. I've known her since first grade and she was in my class every year except 6th and 7th grade. I hate moving, you always lose people, memories and things.