To whom much is given, much is tested

For the past four years I've been floating under the radar, so low in fact that my teachers would forget i was there and mark me absent. I've made efforts at being social and they usually get me no where. I realized today that I'm not a people person, people just genuinely don't like me. after i let down my guard and talk they all small politely and giggle with me but then they roll their eyes and I'm back at square one. The only time people really actually speak to me is when they're copying my answers or asking fo help, hell sometimes I offer to help and its like they don't hear me. There's this one girl who completely ignores me and we sit next to each other everyday for 2 periods in a row!!! Well fuck them all can't wait til high school is over.

Oh yeah I sent this boy I had a message via face-book on Friday and still no response, I will take this silence as a deafening "no i would not like the chance to get to know you"

I'm kinda nuts and i jus sent an email to a stranger with the following as a message. i just typed and it no longer makes sense to me, go figure.

Anonymous email message:

"......never one of the in crowd, i sit in the back and blend in with the walls around me. i sit and think to myself of the people i see, who they are, who they will be and what it means to me. they are of no importance to me because these people, my peers will never measure up to what i want them to be and vice versa. we all live in our own little worlds where nothin really intergrates but often intersect, where lines are clearly drawn and often never crossed. my world is small and often consists of me. i paint the walls in my world with dreams of  "what ifs" and "somedays" that will never be. i think of my future not as a future but as a fantasy, these fantasies never occur in real time but in my time and in my time everything realistic in the most optimistic way. where tragedies are still tragedies and burdens still burdens but they strengthen bonds and people not tear thme down......."

I typed the subject of the email as "assessment". I have no idea what I was thinking and that is my excuse

Well, well, well in the midst of trying to reply to a message, I deleted everything because I'm such a dingbat (when I was growing up people in my family called me that because I wasn't always fully aware, little did they know I was noticing other more important things.)

I've been reading books by James Patterson and in no particular order mind you, so far I've read: Double Cross, Trial and I'm almost finished with The Quickie. I'm having trouble with my college essay, my teacher believes my personal essay is nothing more than a self proclaimed pity party. Its a personal essay and the truth is all I can offer. I've never been good at sugar coating my life and the only way to sugar coat my personal feelings is lie and then they wouldn't be getting a real sense of me, maybe I can send them a link to this web page, give them a real heavy dose of who I am and my intricate mind......

In other news I'm actually passing everything, even AP Calc. I knew I was going to pass but I was thinking maybe a C but there is a very realistic chance that I could get an A my first semester, this is awesome. I'm trying to sign up for more college courses, maybe enligh lit or something.

I'm going to try writing a story of some sort for the first since 7th grade when a girl lost my masterpiece.


Oh somethin interesting to post:

I live in Darby, Pa which is literally across the street from South West Philadelphia. Well Septa is the public transportation company out here and they have gone on strike. I remember in the 8th grade when the MTA  went on stike in New York. I missed about a week of school. Certain streets had to be shut down and people were forced to car pool or you couldn't get from New Jersey into Manhattan, hell some people even walked across the Brooklyn Bridge. I've seen a few picketers near 69th street (a major terminal in Delaware county where I live). From my understanding only the transportation in Philadelphia has been completely shut down, out here in Delaware county things are still running but they have been slowed drastically some buses didnt even run yesterday morning. I was told that the workers were hoping for more support since they didnt strike during thr Phillies short and disappointing run in the world series but they haven't. Most people use Septa to get o work or class or doctors appointments, when public transportation companies go on strike it is the most selfish thing they can do. And for workers to picket the buses that are still scheduled to run is outrageous  like get over yourself, everything shouldn't be about you. They've been offered a contract better than any other city employees get that guarantees them a 2% pay increase for the next five years.

Maybe i shouldn't put so much into one entry..........
i'll think about that

It's raining and its cold outside.
I just feel  highly offended by everything.
Today is just one of those days where I
feel so low I don't know where up is.

I have decided that remaining single is the best thing for me. I am unable to truly trust anyone and as far as "caring" goes, I get border line obsessive. I am completely skeptical of anything a guy tells me and that's not the best way to handle a relationship if you ask me. So for now I'm going to continue flying solo, not that any of you cared.

In other news you don't want to read about I HATE college applications with a passion. Maybe if I got them in June I could have them done by their due date but right  now it just bites!

While laying on my couch from a new position now that we rearranged the living room, I watched the news. It was the 10 o' clock news, I usually watch the world news at 6:30 because of Charles Gibson but anyways..I was watching the news and a few stories peaked my interest.

First story was a 6 year old boy was suspended from school for 45 days for bringing a knife/spoon/fork that he got from the cub scouts to school. Now during the child's 45 day suspension he is supposed to attend an alternative disciplinary school.  Seriously? the kid gets straight A's and he has never been in trouble before, and on top of that he's a cub scout. He didn't bring it to school with the attempt to harm someone and if his parents trust him with it why not just confiscate it and give it to them?? Someone posted on a facebook what kind of parent allows their child to have that? A parent responsible enough to teach the child how to use it. I had a teacher last year who used to teach at a disciplinary in upstate New York. Now these kids make the delinquents in my school look like cranky kinder gardeners throwing a temper tantrum. Now where they grow up hunting is a way of life, according to my teacher there was a two week period in which the students didn't come at all because it was hunting season. These kids have open access to the guns in their home and they are taught how to kill with them, guess how many were in that school for gun related altercations???? None. These kids were raised with a respect for guns. They were taken out on hunting trips when they were as young as 3 years old so they know its not a toy, they're parents would never accept them playing around with a gun or another humans life.

Story number two involves some elementary school kids learning a song about Barrack Obama and his policies. A group of protesters think that politics should be kept out of the classroom and that the song teaches the kids to idolize the president. That is just about the dumbest thing I've heard all week (so far, its only Wednesday). What happened to current events?? When I was in elementary school I had to do current events every night and I learned a song about Martin Luther King Jr (not exactly the same thing but stick with me here people). The song informs the students of what's going on today politically, they cry and whine about how younger generations are so unaware and how we (younger generation) are choosing to stay blind to these things but a catchy song is just the thing we need to jump start little kids interest in politics and news. I know that doing current events at first was the most tedious thing in the world to me but by the time I reached 3rd grade I would stay up til ten to watch the news because I had an after school program. I liked being informed and feeling smart, I liked being able to discuss my political stance with adults and them telling my parent I was a very bright child. Most adults aren't aware of Barrack Obama's political policies are, shouldn't we be applauding the students and not chastising them and their teachers because we may not agree????

And I'm a bit of a conspiracy theorist so the whole Michael Jackson dying story seems a little fishy to me. Ok so if he is dead and someone did murder him, who and why? Who stood to gain the most from Michael being dead? I don't know what his relations were like with his brothers but I'm pretty sure he was closest to janet and his mother so they wouldn't see to much gain from it: Janet makes her own money and he'd give his mom the world if she asked so I pick Joe. If anyone wanted Michael out of the way most it'd  be him. Joe is no longer the belligerent jerk we all know him to be but the grieving father and I'm sure there is money to be had in there some way some how. His brothers are also suspect, honestly who here can name all of the other Jackson 5 members?? Not me. But, would one of them really kill their brother over jealousy and money, not likely and I'd know, I have a younger sister I'd sell if they'd let me. Then there's also the possibility he's not dead at all and hiding out somewhere. Michaels music and style has always been popular and probably always will be, but he hasn't been. People have songs, and jokes and comedy sketches dedicated to the fall of Michael Jackson. I don't give a shit dead or alive the guy is weird and I'm not going to take back my statements about him because he's dead. I do still believe he had the tendencies of a pedophile and I do believe he must have lost his god damn mind to destroy his face the way he did. I'm not falling for that "lost childhood" bull shit the Jackson's have been trying to push on people for years. Day after day kids in America are forced to grow up at younger ages because  of situations that they are put in, now whether it makes you crazy or pushes you forward is up to you. Michael was going forward for awhile and then something broke in him, but they need to realize that's a reason not an excuse. I can't just go around punching people in the face, later telling them that I came from a broken home and expecting them to be less mad at me, now can I?? They want us as the American Public to rethink the way we treated him because he was the king of pop, but how would they feel about a math teacher touching on their child's goodies? We shouldn't feel guilty about our statements because they hurt his feelings and now he's dead, it was true, Michael for the past two decades has been the epitome of a freak. We (or at least, I) never said we hated Michael but its hard to accept him knowing what he'd become, it wasn't that we didn't understand him, it was that we were finally beginning to understand him personally and not liking what we were seeing.

Usually I complain about how uneventful my life is and blah blah blah well this time its different. This weekend was the weirdest one I've experienced yet mainly because I have a stalker. I'm not joking, this guy was calling my house and texting my sister's phone (both of them) looking for me, he even knocked on my door twice but I never told him where I lived. He likes me waaaaay too much. I don't like him and I've tried several times to let him down gently four the past 3 days but he's not getting it at all. At one point he went nuts and started cursing me out and saying he didn't need me, I just brushed it off cause I wanted him to go away but then he keeps texting me after and I'm like aren't you done? Don't you have better things to do now that your through with me and then he goes right back to creeping me out and saying that he really really likes me and he doesn't want to get hurt and blah blah blah. I am capable of being rude, most of the time its unintentional but I can't manage to out right manage to say "fuck off!!!" because wouldn't I have been leading him on??

In other less creepy news I found my former best friend from elementary school. We used to be inseparable until the summer after 4th grade when I was accepted into an advanced middle school. I cried all the way up until I got in the classroom. Middle school held some of the best memories I have and that was the last time I had any real friends (I have Brian but he doesn't count cause I lose track of hi after about 3 months or so). I'm glad she found me on facebook, now we can text and catch up, I know she's not the same girl I used to know but I feel like I still know her. And, I believe I found a new person of interest. Now I have to find Desiree, she was the most annoying best friend I had and I loved her to bits. I've known her since first grade and she was in my class every year except 6th and 7th grade. I hate moving, you always lose people, memories and things.

So I had a thought on my way to DCCC today. What I've come up with is this: Someone will sell their soul for fame but their life for money. You have to think about it, makes sense to me.

Now on a more personal unnecessary follow on yesterdays blog I really do like this guy but I'm waaaay to cautious to trust him. He's friends with someone I'm friends with but I don't really trust that friend anymore because he let me down and never explained why. I'm trying to get past it but I get the feeling he doesn't care either way. I'm worried that he put his friend up to this as some sort of cruel joke. I'd like to think that since they are adults that stupid pranks like this wouldn't cross their minds but it seems you don't really know people these days.

Today in my process tech class we had a test review for the test we're going to have next week. I actually answered some of the harder questions which feels good. I partially finished my take home test in AP and I understand limits, again but I can't wait til we reach the difficult stuff again, oddly enough that's where I excel.

Hmmmm....I think I might like someone. I know it's to soon to tell or anything but for once it's not a crush but someone I've actually held a conversation with. He's older and he's one of my friends friends. He says he likes me but you gotta wonder does he like me or does he like the way I look cause that's how this all started. He apparently saw a picture of me in my friends phone awhile ago (that was probably when said friend started to avoid me and I was going through major with withdrawal) and me and this friend were texting the other night (boredom caused me to kidnap my sisters phone and harass my friends). Then the next day in the middle of a conversation about food he tells me his friend is into me. Now at that moment all I could think was: he has the complete wrong impression of me, cause if he really knew how crazy and neurotic I am he wouldn't like me. But my friend gives me his number and tells me to give it a shot. I'm sure it was a ploy to get me to leave him alone but I didn't anyway. In all honesty I like older guys, always have might have something to do with growing up with my older brothers and their friends, the boys my age have never liked me. The trouble with older guys is they under estimate me, I do tend to behave like a five year old (when I'm tired) but I don't think like one, I am capable of deep thought, in fact that is what I do with 37% of my time, the rest time I'm sleep.

What the hell is wrong with me?? I need friends or at least a therapist. I honestly think I may be bi-polar. One moment I'm completely fine and then WHAM!! It's like a lost half my damn mind. my highs and my lows are always drastic and unstable. I believe a small dose of lithium should keep me partly sane.

Thought I'd challenge myself here, since I had to drop my Spanish 3 class because of conflicting  scheduled classes. Here it goes:

Puesto que éste es en español porqué no ser honesto. La mayoría de la gente no puede leer a españoles. Soy realmente tímido. Nunca mido para arriba y nunca voy a ascender cualquier cosa, de que soy lo que me dice cada uno. Correctos. Deseo fuera medio tan elegante como pienso que soy y medio tan bonito como me deseo eran.

I incited a debate, sort of. Well my blog did, which now makes me slightly important on the grand scale of things. Ya me! And in other more personal news, I had a pop quiz in euipment for process technology class, I didn't exactly fail but it sure as hell isn't going to make onto the fridge. College apps are the most exciting thing I've got going on right now, which is pretty pathetic but hey, I'm a high school senior and I'm allowed to feel this sense of dread and anticipation.

More at 3:25
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It's actually a day later because well, I'm a flake and I do things like that. I have a few topics to cover here that don't really relate to anything so here it goes:

Rap music. I like some of it, my brothers used to play mixed tapes all the time so I grew up with it. Living in Philadelphia it's hard not to like the lyrical genius of underground rappers such as Meek Mills and G.D.K. I know there are people who object to rap, especially underground because of lyrical content and its use of derogatory terms. I know it's really ignorant and naive to say that when a rapper refers to a girl as a "bitch" he isn't talking about me but I don't know him, I was raised with the idea that it's not what you're called but what you answer to. I know a few girls who are proud to be called a bitch (don't ask me why). Society doesn't protest when kids each other loser's, trust me that is just as negative a statement. We let them get away with things like that when they're young then it escalates by the time they reach high school and then we all scramble to put the blame on someone or anything else: blame the TV shows, the music, the media, the urban books. No one is willing to take the blame, and we honestly can't blame just the parents anymore. Kids spend 8 hours and school and about 4 hours outside after that. If we took head from the statement "it takes a village to raise a baby" and got more involved with our neighbors and maybe volunteered somewhere to help the misguided youth we can't stand change will possibly come.

Also, I took what could be considered as a personality test in class, not really relevant to the paragraph above but who cares.

First write down your favorite color. Then write 3 words to describe that color. Next write down your favorite animal and 3 words you would use to describe said animal. Now write down a mode of transportation ( i.e. walking, cars, bus, etc.) and three words you would use to describe it. Finally, any body of water (river, ocean, tub whatever you can think of, specifics such as Atlantic or pacific ocean are not necessary) and another 3 words to describe that. It of course is not 100% accurate and interpretation will be necessary after I tell you the categories.

I am 17 years of age, I am very aware of this fact I was present at my own birth here people. I'm not one of those kids who are to quick to grow up and I don't say "age is just a number" because its not, but you have to factor in maturity and personal growth. You can't just tell a 3 year old not to learn to read because they're three so why tell me I'm not entitled to something because I don't reach a stupid age requirement, what the hell is the difference between now and a couple months from now?? I'm still going to be me. And what the hell is with older guys trying to scam on poor innocent naive young girls. Some guy told me I was sexy today then later said he'd date me, to which I replied"in the hopes of getting laid" ,  he didn't get it so I started laughing. He asked me what I mean and after a little protest I told him my thesis: you called me "sexy" while its not degrading it simply means that when you look at me you think of sex whereas if you would have referred to me as "beautiful" that would mean that when you look at me you saw something unique in my features that you found attractive. He stopped talking to me then.

The window to my soul. Music is the  most phenomenal invention ever!!! I've always loved music but I've been applying to colleges and I've been contemplating applying to NYU who require an essay on an artistic piece that has affected you (applier). I didn't want to apply after learning what the essay question was, I mean I am a huge music fanatic but I don't listen to classical or what the upper-crust of the new york elite would consider "enlightening" music (although the Trans Siberian Orchestra is the best thing to happen to classical music since Mozart if you ask me). Then today on my way to DCCC while listening to my indefinitely borrowed Ipod, I happened to listen to Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway" for the time in years and then it hit me: this song is me. I don't just like the song, I am the song. The song is more me than I ever realized, so maybe i do stand a chance of catching the minds of the snooty upper-crust. 

I'm just lucky it seems. I know some of the greatest people. I have AP calculus, which i wouldn't mind if it weren't for the constant work, I know real lazy. This weekend I technically ran away from home as a result from a panic attack, in doing so I forgot all about my lab report due for my AP class. Today a girl I associate with often printed me a copy of her report and shes going to let me borrow her graphing calculator to finish the report. Of course I'm going to get points taken off for handing in the report late but its better than a zero. I also got my first test back, I got a D for the first time since the 10th grade, when I first took AP calc.

On a much lighter note I have news: I actually got responses to this blog! I am no longer just writing to myself here. This now creates pressure to write something semi-interesting but hell, lets just face it my life is just as interesting as a rice cake. So I'm going to use my method of randomness and barely coherent thoughts.

This weekend I guess you could say I went on my first date.....it was awkward mainly because I didn't know it was a date until I got there and he had invited his friend and his friends girlfriend. I felt well overwhelmed but I do what I always do in uncomfortable situations: try to make myself invisible. Well he's a nice guy and I've known him for years, but when I think about him I just don't feel that much for him. Plus he's a chronic dater, whats to say he just doesn't someone, anyone to fill that space?? Does he really want a relationship with me or does he just want a relationship? Where do I stand on the meter of importance?

When my best friend Brian brought him up, I told him that I didn't want to date the guy and he asked why? According to Brian, he seemed nice so why was I so hesitant about giving him a chance?? Why is that girls pass up on the decent ones for jerks like him (Brian, I mean)?? And I was wondering the same thing, why do girls pick the jerk, the liar, the complete douche bag to waste their time on? Do we think things will get better?? I don't get it, just what the hell do females see that is so attractive?? I want a new millennium guy of course, but I don't want the cold indifference that most of them seem to have, I want him to have the manners of a southern gentleman (at least when it comes to me). I read in a copy of essence magazine that the problem with most African American relationship is that women are to bounded by pressure not to b nagging that they can't clearly convey their emotions when communicating with their partners, so there is a strain on the relationship because the man can't fill a gap he doesn't know is there. Also the lack of men checking one another also plays a part, why do men egg each other when they do wrong?? What satisfaction does that bring? If a man cheats or does any other behavior along those lines his friends should advise him other wise, cause in the long run all a cheater does is mess it up for the next man.

I feel like a real relationship expert now that I have read that over........

Doubt I spelled that right.

 

I am sitting waiting for my tech math class to begin at delaware county community college where I'm dying of boredom.  The candy cane forrest has been chopped down to make way for the green goo river thats supposed to irrigate the liver chop crops for the people south of maldoone meadows. Yes that last sentence was really random but so am I which we should all know and accept by now.

My spanish sucks i am very aware of that fact but i like to throw in the few words that i do know int my daily life from time to time. I'm going to try and write these entries more grammatically correct from know on, makes me seem more intelligent.

For this months update in my weird and wacky posts I have to share with you my new hatred for math. I love math but the intenity that teachers stress about it makes me hate it. I am truly naturally good at math but anythin i have to think about say, graphs I will most likely ignore.

My somewhat insightful to share with you is: why is community service and volunteering so important when it comes to college applications I know it shows a sense of leadership but I don't have the time nor the means to do that. I would love to volunteer at habitat for humanity but between school and this community college program I don't even have time for food or my AP calc homework. I'd write more but I have to catch a bus or I'm going to be sitting here all night.....again

 

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 Now to finish this entry four days later.

 

I just feel inadequate when theres nothin in the space for honors and awards. I was apart of one club in the 10th grade, that was also the year when  I was supposed to join the NHS but I moved, again. So here I am in my senior struggling to join the senior class committe, if I had more time I'd join the student council but I don't so I can't. This is not the way I pictured my senior year. i just want to get to college and get myself situated.

Im like super bored! jus got back from the movies and i have nothin to do but blog about nothing. i want my mommy. i cant wait for school to start thatll give me sumthin to do. rite now im tryin to reconnect wit kids barely spoke to in middle school, who i thought i was weird then and im pretty sure arent to keen on gettin to kno me now. ive never been good at making friends and holding conversations. Im pretty sure ima die alone at this point and im jus gona have to come to terms wit that fact.

 

Now i gota think about something insightful to post here.......well someone posted this on facebook:

 

"She makes a man become a man, Makes him strive for more. She makes him wish for worthiness, Remake his very core. Thus I pay my homage, Poetic tribute not mere prose. I give to her this piece of me, And not some dying rose. I'd cross not mountains for her, I'd move them one by one. I'd walk not burning sands, Instead I'd seed her lands. Her world would fill with statues, And gardens at her feet. These things I say would happen, Each time we came to meet."

 

I think its sweet, makes me think of the kind of guy I wana fall in love with. Grrr...I dont wana grow up but if it means getting past all the relatonship crap that teenaged boys come with Im all for it. I need more than wat i see out there, i need something nurturing, and stable. I take my relationships wit people seriously, especially relationships wit males. Most of the males in my life im related to and the others are like brothers. there has to be one male out there whose actuali interested in me, wants to be near me on my good and bad days. He has to be able to understand and accept my quirkiness. I hate when guys tell me im weird (in the bad way), i hate when they come to me looking for me to change and mold who i am so they can have wat they want: another girl who behaves and thinks like other girls. I am an individual, I want someone to appreciate that

I'm doing the absolutely best that ive been doin since i started high school ( i mean emotionally, ive always had good grades) and i haveth returned with more knowledge and opinions to share with my fellow bloggers. I am ofcourse very outspoken for those of you who may have forgotten. I havent been on here in forever, and since i deleted my last blog (punkrocprincess) i dont really have any friends so im jus basically writin to myself here folks.

 

Thought Numero Uno:

 
Im officially afraid of humans and our growin dependence on technology. I dont have a cell phone (anymore anyway, and that was by choice so there!), my home computer is un-usable and wat the hell is a twitter?? I cant txt with a full keyboard, touch screen anythin creeps me out . And i still survive. Ive seen people break down and throw fits over having to hand a cell phone ovr to a teacher. Im apparently the only person in my class who knows how to use the dewey decimal system for research and the phone i use daily actuali has cords, surprising i know. I use myspace for easing of boredom i suppose and im grossly attached to anything tht plays music, this month its a borrowed ipod i dont know when im returning. A mall near my home is now usin touch screen soda machines, wats wrong wit the old ones?? I liked pushin buttons! Theres talk of a pyramid city or something. The air in the worlds most industrialized countries is beyond questionable. Im not one of those people screamin "GO GREEN!!" but wen are people goin to realize that more products do not equal more progress. We think less and move less and buy more.

I miss my old friends...Its been awhile since I posted so I'll just rant about anything that comes to mind.

My brother was shot and killed in November but Im okay now. Ummm... Im sixteen but I still havent had an actual boyfriend or been kissed. Its not so much a boyfriend that i want than it is someone i can trust and talk. I actually found someone like that but he's gone MIA. Im not failing but since i switched schools my incompetent counselor forgot to average in my first two school semesters so instead of a 3.5 i have a 1.9...im upset but i'll jus have to work three times as hard next school year. Im gopnna try to update this more regularly over the summer. Later peeps